Blue-Eyed Bride has moved to BlueEyedBride {dot} com. Please update your Readers and join me!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

lamaze = lecrap? {vol. 2}

This post is intended to be an update on how our childbirth classes went, but I have a feeling it's going to turn into a little more than that.

Todd and I arrived at our all day Saturday childbirth class at the hospital with two pillow and a blanket in tow (for the dreaded lamaze/breathing portion). There were three other young couples in the room and one of the other couples also got the memo about the pillows and blanket. The lovely, sarcastic, and perfectly perfect nurse told us that she doesn't believe much in that so we should just take the pillows and blanket back to the car. Score! The day started off perfect!

So that's my lamaze experience. Nothing. No breathing. No "hoo hoo heeeeee". Nada. Her response was, "that's why there's the epidural. If you really want the lamaze I can put you in touch with someone who teaches those, but it's not me." I loved her.

The class was very much like any other classroom experience. Lots of Power Point, lots of questions, and a few much too informative videos. I've watched "A Baby Story" on TLC a couple of times, but things are often blurry. Nothing was blurred out in this video. And nothing was pretty. These women were completely exposed from head to toe.

Now, I like clothes. I even like hospital gowns if it means that a doctor, an anesthesiologist, two nurses, a scrub tech, and my husband aren't going to be staring at every inch of me for God knows how long while I scream and sweat and push a baby out. Why weren't these women wearing their robes?! Do they think it's organic and natural for a woman to be totally nude?

Seriously, the first question asked after the video by one of the husbands was, "Where are the hospital gowns?!" The second question was, "How can I sign up for a c-section?"

That leads me to my next point. Baby Boy Carroll is still breech and I pray every night that God will let him stay in that position. Please don't flip, Baby Boy! Keep your c-section criticism to yourself. I want one! The little incision is tiny and no one would ever see it. It's scheduled. I'm an event planner for crying out loud. I need schedule.

Here's my rationalization (I'm a pretty irrational person, by the way): I'm going to have some significant recovery either way I go. I've heard horror stories about the natural delivery (even with epidural) aftermath. I think no one ever wants to share those stories because they're afraid that they'll seem like childbirth wasn't beautiful.

Here's the thing.... a baby is beautiful. Why does childbirth have to be beautiful?

We also toured the hospital after all the videos were over. It was a very informative day. Possibly the funniest part of the day was when the nurse showed us the labor and delivery room and told us that some moms want to see the baby coming out. (WHY?!) She told us that one option was to request "a meerow." (A mirror) Then she kept saying it. "A lot of couples like this big standing meerow because the mom can see everything while she's pushing." Todd and I don't have a lot of tolerance for bad grammar or mispronounced words, so we just cringed every time she said it.

Good news: I have a baby shower/luncheon tomorrow with some of my coworkers at one of my favorite Columbia restaurants. It'll be nice to get out of the office and get away from golf tournament and party planning for a couple of hours to watch some of my favorite people drink yummy lunch cocktails!