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Wednesday, May 06, 2009

holy 35 weeks pregnant, Batman!

Do y'all see the pregnancy ticker right up there? Right above this post? Does it really say 35 weeks and 0 days today?

Just a little FYI: there is no way that I'm going to be pregnant for five more weeks. I'm not going to show you a picture of me to prove it, but I'm freakin' huge. I know, I know. I'm going to get bigger. There's just a really big baby in there already.

I go for my 35 week appointment tomorrow and the only big event happening at that time is my Group B Strep test. Awesome. Some of these routine pregnancy things are really disgusting and I'm so glad that our wonderful nurse at the child-birth class told us about this test because I would be in for a world of surprise tomorrow at my appointment if she hadn't.

My normal routine for going to the doctor is 1) check in at the front desk, 2) walk down the hall where Todd waits in the "Waiting Womb" and I go to leave a urine sample, 3) go in to have my blood pressure checked and weigh in. Right now, I've gained about 35 pounds. There, it's in writing for everyone to see. I'm sure, by the end it will be at least 40 pounds. Oh well.

TMI alert: (stop reading if you don't want to know a little too much about me)

On the way to the doctor's office every time I'm thinking to myself, "I don't even have to pee. How am I going to leave a urine sample?" Then as soon as I step into the restroom and lock the door, I feel like I'm going to wet my pants.

I start doing the pee pee dance and frantically try to unwrap the plastic wrap around the plastic cup and then pull down the giant maternity pants. There's always a little bit of a question in my mind about my aim and if I'll actually make it into the cup, but there was never a problem. Until the last visit.

My stomach has gotten so big that it's physically difficult for me to hold the cup in the line of fire and make it around my belly. The toilet at the doctor's office stands up really tall, but because I'm so "front heavy" I'm always afraid the gravity is going to pull me forward onto my face while I'm trying to balance and hold the cup in the correct position. So at my last visit, I really had to go. I miraculously made it into the cup, but as I was pulling the cup back up, I hit my belly, stumbled, and dropped the entire cup in the toilet. Toilet water filled the remainder of the cup and my "sample" was ruined.

The worst part was that I had to retrieve the cup from the toilet so I could throw it away. Then I had to ask for a bottle of water so I could "try again" at the end of my appointment. Of course I didn't tell them why I was unsuccessful on my first try. I'm sure I've psyched myself out now and I'll struggle with this for my next four visits. Lovely. It's a good thing they have amazing soap and scalding water in those restrooms.